Nenek’s Undying Love

​Confession by Sheen K.

My nenek (grandmother) had passed away by the time I was born so I never had the chance to know her. When I see other kids with their grandparents or when school essay writing involves the subject of grandparents, I always feel sad that a part of my childhood was incomplete.
 
I only knew what she looked like from old photographs and there weren’t many of them. My parents didn’t tell me much about her. When I asked what she was like, they would tell me she’s a kind woman and that was all, not much other details.
 
When I was coming of age, I started seeing her in my dreams. When I first “saw” her, she was standing in the corner of my room just looking at me. Then she got closer and closer. Sometimes we would spend the entire night playing - in my dreams, of course.
 
I looked forward to this every night.
 
Her visits were very consistent all the way through my secondary school life into my young adulthood. I knew Nenek would always look out for me. When the girls at school bullied me, Nenek said she would punish them. When my first boyfriend cheated on me, he got into a motorbike accident.
 
It got to a point where I was in my mid 20s and found myself with no friends or boyfriends. All my relationships ended badly.
 
I spiraled into a state of severe depression. Nenek comforted me and said that it was ok if I wanted to take my own life, as she would take care of me. I felt that all along, only Nenek cared for me.
 
My parents were worried for me and insisted on taking me to see a medical professional. I remember that I had a big fight with my parents about it. In a fit of rage, I told my parents to “go and die”.
 
Next morning before they took me to the hospital, my dad had a stroke and fell in the shower. 
 
I felt immensely guilty and broke down, saying that it was my fault. It was all my fault. I confessed to my mother that it was Nenek who did it and that I was sorry for saying mean things the day before.

Mom got really angry, but not at me. She shouted at the room and told her to “take her evil heart to the grave”.
 
The more I told mom about what had been happening the past few years, the more appalled she got. She asked me why had I not toldl her about it, but I had no reply for her. It wasn’t a problem before. I always felt safe and protected.
 
Then mom told me that she hasn't been entirely honest with me. Her mom, my nenek, had been a black magic practitioner and was the kind that would sacrifice her family members if it came to that. My mom wasn’t close to her mother and when she could leave home to start a family, she did. She married my father and they moved to Singapore.
 
From the stories that mom had heard, grandmother had many enemies and not surprisingly, one of them had taken her out. Before grandma died - she had predicted her demise - she had made bold claims that she would come back. Mom believed that grandma was either going to swap places with me or use me to finish her work. For some reason, mom was immune to Nenek’s curses. Maybe because she’s blood.
 
This was the point where I began to realize that my emotions were not really my own. After hearing what mom had said, I started getting angry, but at the same time I was still sad and frightened.
 
The problem did not go away right after that. It still persisted for a few more months but because I was now more aware, I was able to control my thoughts and emotions better. The good news is that I didn’t have to go to the hospital for my depressive issues. Instead, we visited many ustaz, shamans, and the likes, to find a way to wean grandma’s hold over me.
Eventually, one of them found a way to sever ties. The effect is only temporary though. Knowing how vengeful nenek is, she is not used to losing and will keep trying. Since she’s already dead, she’s got all the time in the world to keep looking for me.