Knowing When You Are Going to Die

Confessions by Joel Goh

A bit of background
So just beginning of last January, my dad had passed on in Tan Tok Seng Hospital (TTSH). He was cancer patient. As for me, some of you may already know that I'm a Cabin Crew. So what happened was I reported for a Manila turnaround flight and was busy doing my ground preparations in the aircraft already and as we were waiting for the ground staff to announce for boarding, I suddenly got a call from my brother advising me to not do the flight as doctors told him my dad might not make it.

Main Body of Confession
So I managed to step down from the flight and rush to the hospital. I recalled it was ard 6ish pm when I reached. And my dad was still conscious and breathing through an oxygen mask... So my brother briefly shared what the doctors said; that because he's taking in pure oxygen, there's a possibility he may be delirious after awhile. So I noted that and managed to spend some alone time with him while the rest of my family left us alone to attend to something else.

So I was just chatting with him and that's when this happened:

Dad: What day is it today?

Me: Sunday ah...why?

Dad: Oh....I'm leaving on Sunday. smirks to himself

Me: Tskkk...Don't be silly and say such things la. You're strong, Dad. You can do this!

Dad: 9 o' clock already..9 o'clock already.. (in hokkien)

I glanced at my watch briefly and replied: Huh... it's only 6 plus leh, are you feeling alright?

He wasn't looking at me when he repeated the time. Instead, he was staring into blank space (or whatever he was looking at in front of his bed which was another patients bed opposite).

So I didn't give much thought to it because I remembered what my brother had told me about chances of my Dad being delirious from the oxygen.

But later on, around 830ish, my dad's vitals started dropping.

That's when everyone started panicking... urging for the on-call Doctor...seeking response from my dad to make sure his attention is still on us...

It was also when it hit me as to possibly why he kept repeating 9pm which in retrospect, there was no way my dad could tell time from his perspective lying in bed. So when everyone else was anxiously and desperately trying to save him, I remembered telling my brother:  "korrr...he's ready to go. but are you? let him go kay? he's ready..."

My dad passed ard 9:03 or 9:04pm

Till today I still ask myself why he kept saying that time when it was clearly not even night fall yet even from a glance outside the window.

So why did he have to say 9pm?

Was it really delirium as what the doctor had advised?

If that's true then why did he not mention 8pm instead? Why not 10pm?

Something for us to ponder about.

And to add on, people have told me that my dad was waiting for me before he could leave. I calculated the time of my return from the MNL flight. And I would've never been able to make it to see him if the flight had taken off with me in it.